Well. My hair is falling out. I am almost afraid to go out in the wind. So weird. My scalp actually kinda "hurts", but if I run my fingers through my hair and get a handfull....that doesn't hurt. So weird. I guess I will go check out wigs next week. Although I don't think I will be a wig wearer. I have some super cute hats.
I have been talking about this with the girls for about 2 weeks. Lina wishes that I didn't have to. Lydia says basically that's too bad. LOL. Oh Lyd. We shall see how my Lila reacts.
Lydia had her dance recital today. It was so wonderful. The theme was LIFE: It Happens. Jeremiah 29:11.
Ironic, no? Yup. Life. It happens. The good, the bad...it happens and God loves us through it all. AND is right there beside us. Lydia did some ballet to "By Your Side" by Tenth Ave North. OH. MY. WORD. Bawled my eyes out and in between each song was scripture and devotion. OH. MY. It was just so good. We were going to take a break from dance.....but I just re-registered for Spring. My girl needs this! I NEED this!!
This week brings chemo on Wed, Thurs, and Fri....along with a bone marrow biopsy. Yeah! NOT.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Blood Behaving and PET Scan Report
So. Those of you who know me well know my love of the dentist. Wouldn't you know, I cracked a dang molar over the weekend. Timing. My dentist and the office are FABULOUS. I really don't know why I am such a lunatic. But, alas, I am. I needed to get a blood check and such before DDS can go poking around. Now I cannot get any work done because of the blood thinners I am on (and I need to be on them because of this crud in my chest that causes pressure....and blood clots- we are NOT going that route again!).
My blood report came back with all stars. Feel like a 3rd grader getting a test back.
Then I asked to talk to nurse. I have an appointment on Friday, but I needed to ask if my PET came back yet. My oncologist happen to walk by in the hallway. He passed the door, but we made eye contact. Not 5 seconds later he came back (still talks waaaay too fast for me) and said, "Jennifer.. How are you? How are you doing" Call me impressed. We talked ever briefly and told him I would see him Friday.
Nurse came back with my report with a smile. Ahhh, yes. And then I just cried.
This junk is in no other places- "no activity" other than......the big ol thing in my chest and 2 lymph nodes in my neck- they are tiny and that is what really presented itself a month ago as an enlarged thyroid. Interesting.
Today I am happy. I feel good. I am thankful for caring doc and nurses. I am SO thankful for good reports today.
My blood report came back with all stars. Feel like a 3rd grader getting a test back.
Then I asked to talk to nurse. I have an appointment on Friday, but I needed to ask if my PET came back yet. My oncologist happen to walk by in the hallway. He passed the door, but we made eye contact. Not 5 seconds later he came back (still talks waaaay too fast for me) and said, "Jennifer.. How are you? How are you doing" Call me impressed. We talked ever briefly and told him I would see him Friday.
Nurse came back with my report with a smile. Ahhh, yes. And then I just cried.
This junk is in no other places- "no activity" other than......the big ol thing in my chest and 2 lymph nodes in my neck- they are tiny and that is what really presented itself a month ago as an enlarged thyroid. Interesting.
Today I am happy. I feel good. I am thankful for caring doc and nurses. I am SO thankful for good reports today.
Friday, December 30, 2011
December to Remember. Or Not. I Have Not Decided.
So. What in the world happeneded this month??
First, rewind a few months.
I have been "trying to train" for this half marathon that Jennifer Magee and I registered for. I seriously could never go further than 3 miles. Very frustrating because I am not THAT out of shape. In October Jen and I did 8 miles and I seriously thought I would collapse afterward. Not thinking more than "dang girl- lose weight and get in better shape- NOW".
I spent a great week in NY with my mom and dad in October. On Halloween something didn't feel right in my neck. Hard to explain. It just felt tight.
November. As each day passed I would feel that tightness. If I bent over or got up from laying down I felt like my head was going to explode. I woke up with VERY puffy eyes and Bob said that I have snoring like a man. I knew I had to be because I woke up with sore throat and just not feeling rested. Hmmm. SOMEthing is going on.
I also do not have a doctor. I began that search. Never really "feeling it" from suggestions. I went to CentraCare one night saying that I either have a sinus infection or a brain tumor. Both were ruled out. Didn't really get anywhere that visit. Finally went to a practice at the hospital. Didn't love it, but I was there. Doc sent me for some bloodwork and a sonogram of "my enlarged thyroid". When I said, "What about my neck??" She said that after labs and sonogram we will see what was going on. I would have 2 weeks before my next appointment.
December. We had Lina's Annie Jr. perfomance that first weekend. I felt awful that weekend. I had an apt scheduled for 12/9 (Friday) I called 12/1 seeing if I could get in sooner. Nope. Nothing available. I called again on Monday 12/5 complaining that I just can't wait. Something was wrong. They could get me in Thursday. Oh good. I pushed through the day on Monday. Tuesday 12/6 I read to Lydia's Kindergarten class and went grocery shopping. I came home and cried. I KNEW something was wrong with me and now I was scared. On Wednesday 12/7 I called doc office again and asked what do I do and they told me to go to ER. I took girls to school. I called Marilyn to come sit with Lila. Bob was in the shower and I popped my head in and said, "Babe, I am going to ER".
A friend dropped me off at FL Hospital. I was seen within minutes. They ran a CT scan, hooked up an IV, and then I just hung out for observation for a little bit. I was brought into a room and saw my first 12 year old doctor. (Ok, maybe he wasn't 12, but he wasn't mid-40s!!) Bob was able to come to hospital at this point- THANK GOD. The ER doc came in and said, "Mrs. Blackwood we are going to admit you. It seems there is something that is causing blood clots in your neck". WHAAAT??? I was quickly admitted and brought to the "rif-raff" floor- good golly- there was a llittle bit of everything going on on that floor. I had a sweet little creole roommate who was beside herself that I was in there because I was so young. I love being told that!
So. Praise God for great friends that immediately took over with care for the girls. My house was a wreck and really at that point it just didn't matter. I felt horrible. Of course, this is just days before Christmas.
12/8 I had a bunch of CT scans. Saw the little boy doctor again. I broke down and cried asking one of the nurses (who were AWEsome!!) if I could see a "grown up doctor". I did see a grown up doctor- didn't love her either- and she said, "well, there is a mass in your chest that is causing blood clots. We have to biopsy it but typically this presents itself as cancer". Whoa. What? Someone call my husband now.
That afternoon (Thursday) several specialists popped in to add their .02. Gage- an oncology nurse. LOVED her- hated what she was saying. She really was wonderful though. I cried. She hugged. Sandy- the surgeon's nurse. SHE was a breath of "it's going to be ok". I cried. She hugged. She called Bob. Dr. Accola popped in. This man OWNED the room when he walked in and I LOVED THAT. I needed confident and mid- 40s. He said his gut was "lymphoma". Oh. DEAR. He was going to do the biopsy. I cried. He hugged me. He also asked, "why are you on this floor". Well, dude. I just go where I am I told. He picked up the phone and after some commands hung up and said that I would move to a nicer private room hopefully tomorrow. Well, alright. Then I met with oncologist. He talked fast and spoke words I didn't want to hear. He also was confident- and I liked that. I told him I have 3 small children and that I have the fight in me to do whatever I need to do beat this- so GAME ON!
My mom was starting chemo on Friday. I didn't want her to know what was going on because she needed to focus on HER. I briefly told my dad, but no details. Poor guy. His ladies are high maintainence these days.
I had a wonderful visit from Pastor and Millie Fink. Love those two. I had visits from good friends and I could immediately feel the support that we had. My girls were being loved and cared for. Friends dropped their schedules and pitched in. Friends were picking up and dropping off, making food, taking girls for outings....just loving on them.
I was on a heparin drip. I started to feel a little better. I had not showered since Tuesday and felt like a big ball of stink. My dear friend MB came with new jammies, but I felt so nasty to put them on. Well, 3AM SATURDAY MORNING....lights flick on and "Mrs. Blackwood, your room is ready". Really. 3AM. Ok.
Out in the hallway with bright lights shining in my eyes showing my beauty....I was moved. I was moved to the penthouse suite. Not really, but pretty darn close. I was told that a nurse named Ted would be waiting for me. Great. It's 3 AM, I smell, I feel like crap and I am going to habve a boy nurse. Great. Well. I arrived on the 8th floor. I met Ted. He showed me around the room- including my internet TV and said, "when did you shower last"? LOL. I snorted when he said that. Ted then said, "girl, you need a shower and then get all hunkered down for a good sleep". Well, thank you Ted. I will take you up on that. He wrapped up my arm with IV, got some towels, turned on the hot water and left me to ejoy that shower. Something about a shower. It felt so good. I got out, got dressed, and sat on the bed and cried.
After a few minutes Ted came to check on me. He totally read my state of mind.....he started asking about the girls, we swapped kid stories (he has 2 little ones), asked if he could pray, we prayed, we talked about my "chart"....popped a pill and I was OUT LIKE A LIGHT.
I felt so much better. My room was beautiful. The view of the sunrise was a perfect gift of the reminder of GOD'S GOODNESS no matter what nonsense lies ahead. I had a lovely day nurse and just hung around with good friends visiting.....and little did I know there were some special friends flying the friendly skies at that moment.
Ted was on again for the next 3 nights. He basically left me alone to visit with friends and helped with blood draws from my IV because my very naughty veins were tired at that point. Ted was also on my team with keeping away "Doogie". : )
At this point I had called my mom's good friend and co-worker to share what was going on. Barbara is good for my mom and I needed her to be with my mom and dad. I also called our Pastor...whom we have known GASP for 25 years. The plan was to call my folks Saturday night and let them in on what's going down.
Saturday. Debby the fabulous day nurse was on. We were chatting and just getting acquainted and she was just great. Knock on the door. In walked my dear Kelly from MO and Michele from Seattle.....like they lived down the block. I was FLOORED. FLOORED. Speechless. I had just been texting with these gals hours prior. A complete act of love and friendship....their hubbies took over at this crazy time of year and they came to just be with me. ME. We have been talking about a girls' weekend.....FL Hospital was not the destination idea, but it seemed to just work.
We laughed and laughed. They brought me Starbucks. They got to meet my real-life friends. I met K and M online. Yes, online!! We met in 2002 on Hannah's Prayer Ministries- an online message forum for women dealing with infertility and infant loss. We met in person in 2003 in Arkansas. And maybe a handful of times we have met for lunch or Disney meet ups if visiting with their families. We communicate via email and text message at least once a week though. We met at a very dark and angry time in our lives. We have mourned and rejoiced with one another. We have walked through the toughest times together.....we are FRIENDS. Each shift the nurse would bring my "Plan for the Day"...today's said, "just don't wake the neighbors". : )
Saturday night I finally talked with my parents. The timing of this. YUCK. My mom sounded so good from her first round of chemo and was commenting on how I must be so busy right now. A little bit.....I hated telling my mom and dad. I hated that they were going to be upset and would worry. It wasn't terrible though and my heart rate had been up for a couple of days....It came down a bit after I told them. We both promised that we would lean on the support that we both have...in NY and FL and when all is said and done we would celebrate together somewhere!
On Sunday, 12/11 K and M went to grab lunch and do a little Target run. OR so they said. You see, another friend I met through HP was flying from Arkansas. The gals quickly learned that there are TWO Orlando airports and each were at one. So while I thought K and M were shopping and having a ball in Target....they were doing an airport run to pick up Denise. They got me good. M would text that K was having such a good time shopping and that her luggage would be too heavy. They finally made it back to my room and we were talking. Denise called my cell to see how the visit was going and I ever so fresh said, "well, they have been gone allll day" and D responded with if she were here she wouldn't leave my room to go shopping......and in she walked through my door. Like a breath of fresh air. And I cried. We hugged.
Word was out about what was happening and that I would have a biopsy on Tuesday morning. I laughed and enjoyed visits from good friends all day Sunday and Monday. The food at the hospital was HORRIBLE. I mean realllly horrible. Thankfully I have good friends in my life and there are great restaurants nearby...I didn't starve and was thankful that at 9pm a friend was willing to grab me a baked potato one night and a sub another.
To say I was thankful is an understatement of the special people in my life that were taking care of my girls. The girls came to see me one day, but I looked scary and I didn't like the way they looked at me. But on Monday each girl came for a visit by herself and that was special. I just wanted to hug on them.
My biopsy was Tuesday morning- bright an early. I know nothing what happened aside from telling anyone that looked at me in the surgery waiting area that i was wide awake and didn't want to be. They quickly took care of that. : ) Medicine is something.
When I woke up I was in my room surrounded by Bob (who was able to sleep over on Monday night), my friends, my Pastor, Christmas decorations, laughter....peace. I really could have freaked out at that point. K and M were leaving shortly- that was a hard good-bye. Although I was really loopy. Pastor even did a Panera soup run for me (serioulsy, I am a BRAT and so spoiled when it came to food and support here!!)
D was staying till Thursday. So we had Wednesday to just talk, laugh, watch a dumb movie, eat....and do my nails. 'Cause that is important! More friends from neighborhood and church visited. It was a "nice" day that I hated see come to an end. D was there when oncologist came to visit and he shared that this was indeed lymphoma. I asked him, "who is the best lymphoma guy in your practice" and he replied that he was indeed the lymphoma guy. I then put my hand up for a high five and he went along with the high five. We didn't know the type yet- could take 48 hours, but that this was treatable, curable and....."you will see your girls get married". I didn't even ask that. D and I both cried when he left. Doc also said that chemo would be like pouring hot water on ice....the tumor would melt away. Good. BE.GONE.
D and I took a walk around the halls and then cried saying good-bye....till we meet up again.
The next morning I woulld be getting a port put in. A port. A port for chemo. Put in my chest. Same as my mom. Same as my friend, Carmen. My children will see three of their top ladies battle cancer AT. THE. SAME. TIME. My good nurse friend, Ted, was on that night. He was great. He talked me through a lot of my uncertainty. He did go "all Baptist on me" at one point making sure I have accepted Jesus in my heart.....I assured him me and Jesus are so good! ; )
Apparently my port wasn't an easy procedure. I, again, alerted everyone that looked at me that I was awake and didn't want to be. I woke up in the hallway on the way to my room where Bob and I just hung out and waited to hear what was happening. I was discharged late that evening....and came home to my girls playing in the driveway with signs on the door....and my Carmen and Amanda. My MIL was here also making sure we were fed..which we were thanks again to friends!!
So. 8 days in the hospital. I missed class Christmas parties. I "dumped" party/gift responsibilities on other very busy mommas. Trinity accomodating having Lila come to school every morning. 8 days of friends loving on us in different ways. Emails, texts, visits, gifts....PRAYERS. Very overwhelming. We live in a great community and our school is so supportive- SO supportive. We have a website for meals www.takethemameal.com Blackwood 5199 for crying out loud. People are so giving. My girls received American Girls from a friend that has never met my children. A friend did my girls' Christmas stockings. Girls went to school carnival with a dear teacher friend. The girls made cookies...three times!
I have non-hodgekin large diffused B cell lymphoma. I haven't done any research on this yet. Funny- two months ago I was "mad" at my mom for not asking questions.....HA....humble pie!! Apparently I have the "best kind of lymphoma to have". Whatever. I haven't quite jumped on that party boat quite yet. I will have 4 maybe 6 rounds of chemo. I will be bald for my 40th birthday. BUT through God's healing hand and the many hands and feet of friends and family.....I WILL KICK LYMPHOMA'S ASS...and give God the glory. ; )
Peace that passes all understanding? Yeah, I am living it. I have great cheerleaders....and even prayerful cheerleaders that will swear with me. I am so good with that. I had a very angry day. I went and got my hair cut super short. I was angry and generally pissed at the world. I shared that with a friend. Some time passed and this wise friend said to me, "don't let your joy be robbed' and she reminded me of another time in my life that I was angry.....and that was when we were trying to start a family. Whoooo-eeeee. Was I ever mad then. YIKES. God BLESSED me abundantly in that journey and brought me closer to HIM. Soooo, I can't wait to see what good God brings from this trial. It's a lesson for my girls....people being the hands and feet of Christ, empathy, compassion, prayer, friendship, and God's healing hand.
I did one round of chemo already. Other than fatigue and some realllly bad joint pain it hasn't been horrible. I don't feel like myself. I hate that there is a port in my chest. I hate that this crud in my chest. BUT I am doing ok.
So very thankful for family and friends near and far. The folded hands of many bless me and keep my spirits lifted!
I will keep this blog updated through the journey!
.
First, rewind a few months.
I have been "trying to train" for this half marathon that Jennifer Magee and I registered for. I seriously could never go further than 3 miles. Very frustrating because I am not THAT out of shape. In October Jen and I did 8 miles and I seriously thought I would collapse afterward. Not thinking more than "dang girl- lose weight and get in better shape- NOW".
I spent a great week in NY with my mom and dad in October. On Halloween something didn't feel right in my neck. Hard to explain. It just felt tight.
November. As each day passed I would feel that tightness. If I bent over or got up from laying down I felt like my head was going to explode. I woke up with VERY puffy eyes and Bob said that I have snoring like a man. I knew I had to be because I woke up with sore throat and just not feeling rested. Hmmm. SOMEthing is going on.
I also do not have a doctor. I began that search. Never really "feeling it" from suggestions. I went to CentraCare one night saying that I either have a sinus infection or a brain tumor. Both were ruled out. Didn't really get anywhere that visit. Finally went to a practice at the hospital. Didn't love it, but I was there. Doc sent me for some bloodwork and a sonogram of "my enlarged thyroid". When I said, "What about my neck??" She said that after labs and sonogram we will see what was going on. I would have 2 weeks before my next appointment.
December. We had Lina's Annie Jr. perfomance that first weekend. I felt awful that weekend. I had an apt scheduled for 12/9 (Friday) I called 12/1 seeing if I could get in sooner. Nope. Nothing available. I called again on Monday 12/5 complaining that I just can't wait. Something was wrong. They could get me in Thursday. Oh good. I pushed through the day on Monday. Tuesday 12/6 I read to Lydia's Kindergarten class and went grocery shopping. I came home and cried. I KNEW something was wrong with me and now I was scared. On Wednesday 12/7 I called doc office again and asked what do I do and they told me to go to ER. I took girls to school. I called Marilyn to come sit with Lila. Bob was in the shower and I popped my head in and said, "Babe, I am going to ER".
A friend dropped me off at FL Hospital. I was seen within minutes. They ran a CT scan, hooked up an IV, and then I just hung out for observation for a little bit. I was brought into a room and saw my first 12 year old doctor. (Ok, maybe he wasn't 12, but he wasn't mid-40s!!) Bob was able to come to hospital at this point- THANK GOD. The ER doc came in and said, "Mrs. Blackwood we are going to admit you. It seems there is something that is causing blood clots in your neck". WHAAAT??? I was quickly admitted and brought to the "rif-raff" floor- good golly- there was a llittle bit of everything going on on that floor. I had a sweet little creole roommate who was beside herself that I was in there because I was so young. I love being told that!
So. Praise God for great friends that immediately took over with care for the girls. My house was a wreck and really at that point it just didn't matter. I felt horrible. Of course, this is just days before Christmas.
12/8 I had a bunch of CT scans. Saw the little boy doctor again. I broke down and cried asking one of the nurses (who were AWEsome!!) if I could see a "grown up doctor". I did see a grown up doctor- didn't love her either- and she said, "well, there is a mass in your chest that is causing blood clots. We have to biopsy it but typically this presents itself as cancer". Whoa. What? Someone call my husband now.
That afternoon (Thursday) several specialists popped in to add their .02. Gage- an oncology nurse. LOVED her- hated what she was saying. She really was wonderful though. I cried. She hugged. Sandy- the surgeon's nurse. SHE was a breath of "it's going to be ok". I cried. She hugged. She called Bob. Dr. Accola popped in. This man OWNED the room when he walked in and I LOVED THAT. I needed confident and mid- 40s. He said his gut was "lymphoma". Oh. DEAR. He was going to do the biopsy. I cried. He hugged me. He also asked, "why are you on this floor". Well, dude. I just go where I am I told. He picked up the phone and after some commands hung up and said that I would move to a nicer private room hopefully tomorrow. Well, alright. Then I met with oncologist. He talked fast and spoke words I didn't want to hear. He also was confident- and I liked that. I told him I have 3 small children and that I have the fight in me to do whatever I need to do beat this- so GAME ON!
My mom was starting chemo on Friday. I didn't want her to know what was going on because she needed to focus on HER. I briefly told my dad, but no details. Poor guy. His ladies are high maintainence these days.
I had a wonderful visit from Pastor and Millie Fink. Love those two. I had visits from good friends and I could immediately feel the support that we had. My girls were being loved and cared for. Friends dropped their schedules and pitched in. Friends were picking up and dropping off, making food, taking girls for outings....just loving on them.
I was on a heparin drip. I started to feel a little better. I had not showered since Tuesday and felt like a big ball of stink. My dear friend MB came with new jammies, but I felt so nasty to put them on. Well, 3AM SATURDAY MORNING....lights flick on and "Mrs. Blackwood, your room is ready". Really. 3AM. Ok.
Out in the hallway with bright lights shining in my eyes showing my beauty....I was moved. I was moved to the penthouse suite. Not really, but pretty darn close. I was told that a nurse named Ted would be waiting for me. Great. It's 3 AM, I smell, I feel like crap and I am going to habve a boy nurse. Great. Well. I arrived on the 8th floor. I met Ted. He showed me around the room- including my internet TV and said, "when did you shower last"? LOL. I snorted when he said that. Ted then said, "girl, you need a shower and then get all hunkered down for a good sleep". Well, thank you Ted. I will take you up on that. He wrapped up my arm with IV, got some towels, turned on the hot water and left me to ejoy that shower. Something about a shower. It felt so good. I got out, got dressed, and sat on the bed and cried.
After a few minutes Ted came to check on me. He totally read my state of mind.....he started asking about the girls, we swapped kid stories (he has 2 little ones), asked if he could pray, we prayed, we talked about my "chart"....popped a pill and I was OUT LIKE A LIGHT.
I felt so much better. My room was beautiful. The view of the sunrise was a perfect gift of the reminder of GOD'S GOODNESS no matter what nonsense lies ahead. I had a lovely day nurse and just hung around with good friends visiting.....and little did I know there were some special friends flying the friendly skies at that moment.
Ted was on again for the next 3 nights. He basically left me alone to visit with friends and helped with blood draws from my IV because my very naughty veins were tired at that point. Ted was also on my team with keeping away "Doogie". : )
At this point I had called my mom's good friend and co-worker to share what was going on. Barbara is good for my mom and I needed her to be with my mom and dad. I also called our Pastor...whom we have known GASP for 25 years. The plan was to call my folks Saturday night and let them in on what's going down.
Saturday. Debby the fabulous day nurse was on. We were chatting and just getting acquainted and she was just great. Knock on the door. In walked my dear Kelly from MO and Michele from Seattle.....like they lived down the block. I was FLOORED. FLOORED. Speechless. I had just been texting with these gals hours prior. A complete act of love and friendship....their hubbies took over at this crazy time of year and they came to just be with me. ME. We have been talking about a girls' weekend.....FL Hospital was not the destination idea, but it seemed to just work.
We laughed and laughed. They brought me Starbucks. They got to meet my real-life friends. I met K and M online. Yes, online!! We met in 2002 on Hannah's Prayer Ministries- an online message forum for women dealing with infertility and infant loss. We met in person in 2003 in Arkansas. And maybe a handful of times we have met for lunch or Disney meet ups if visiting with their families. We communicate via email and text message at least once a week though. We met at a very dark and angry time in our lives. We have mourned and rejoiced with one another. We have walked through the toughest times together.....we are FRIENDS. Each shift the nurse would bring my "Plan for the Day"...today's said, "just don't wake the neighbors". : )
Saturday night I finally talked with my parents. The timing of this. YUCK. My mom sounded so good from her first round of chemo and was commenting on how I must be so busy right now. A little bit.....I hated telling my mom and dad. I hated that they were going to be upset and would worry. It wasn't terrible though and my heart rate had been up for a couple of days....It came down a bit after I told them. We both promised that we would lean on the support that we both have...in NY and FL and when all is said and done we would celebrate together somewhere!
On Sunday, 12/11 K and M went to grab lunch and do a little Target run. OR so they said. You see, another friend I met through HP was flying from Arkansas. The gals quickly learned that there are TWO Orlando airports and each were at one. So while I thought K and M were shopping and having a ball in Target....they were doing an airport run to pick up Denise. They got me good. M would text that K was having such a good time shopping and that her luggage would be too heavy. They finally made it back to my room and we were talking. Denise called my cell to see how the visit was going and I ever so fresh said, "well, they have been gone allll day" and D responded with if she were here she wouldn't leave my room to go shopping......and in she walked through my door. Like a breath of fresh air. And I cried. We hugged.
Word was out about what was happening and that I would have a biopsy on Tuesday morning. I laughed and enjoyed visits from good friends all day Sunday and Monday. The food at the hospital was HORRIBLE. I mean realllly horrible. Thankfully I have good friends in my life and there are great restaurants nearby...I didn't starve and was thankful that at 9pm a friend was willing to grab me a baked potato one night and a sub another.
To say I was thankful is an understatement of the special people in my life that were taking care of my girls. The girls came to see me one day, but I looked scary and I didn't like the way they looked at me. But on Monday each girl came for a visit by herself and that was special. I just wanted to hug on them.
My biopsy was Tuesday morning- bright an early. I know nothing what happened aside from telling anyone that looked at me in the surgery waiting area that i was wide awake and didn't want to be. They quickly took care of that. : ) Medicine is something.
When I woke up I was in my room surrounded by Bob (who was able to sleep over on Monday night), my friends, my Pastor, Christmas decorations, laughter....peace. I really could have freaked out at that point. K and M were leaving shortly- that was a hard good-bye. Although I was really loopy. Pastor even did a Panera soup run for me (serioulsy, I am a BRAT and so spoiled when it came to food and support here!!)
D was staying till Thursday. So we had Wednesday to just talk, laugh, watch a dumb movie, eat....and do my nails. 'Cause that is important! More friends from neighborhood and church visited. It was a "nice" day that I hated see come to an end. D was there when oncologist came to visit and he shared that this was indeed lymphoma. I asked him, "who is the best lymphoma guy in your practice" and he replied that he was indeed the lymphoma guy. I then put my hand up for a high five and he went along with the high five. We didn't know the type yet- could take 48 hours, but that this was treatable, curable and....."you will see your girls get married". I didn't even ask that. D and I both cried when he left. Doc also said that chemo would be like pouring hot water on ice....the tumor would melt away. Good. BE.GONE.
D and I took a walk around the halls and then cried saying good-bye....till we meet up again.
The next morning I woulld be getting a port put in. A port. A port for chemo. Put in my chest. Same as my mom. Same as my friend, Carmen. My children will see three of their top ladies battle cancer AT. THE. SAME. TIME. My good nurse friend, Ted, was on that night. He was great. He talked me through a lot of my uncertainty. He did go "all Baptist on me" at one point making sure I have accepted Jesus in my heart.....I assured him me and Jesus are so good! ; )
Apparently my port wasn't an easy procedure. I, again, alerted everyone that looked at me that I was awake and didn't want to be. I woke up in the hallway on the way to my room where Bob and I just hung out and waited to hear what was happening. I was discharged late that evening....and came home to my girls playing in the driveway with signs on the door....and my Carmen and Amanda. My MIL was here also making sure we were fed..which we were thanks again to friends!!
So. 8 days in the hospital. I missed class Christmas parties. I "dumped" party/gift responsibilities on other very busy mommas. Trinity accomodating having Lila come to school every morning. 8 days of friends loving on us in different ways. Emails, texts, visits, gifts....PRAYERS. Very overwhelming. We live in a great community and our school is so supportive- SO supportive. We have a website for meals www.takethemameal.com Blackwood 5199 for crying out loud. People are so giving. My girls received American Girls from a friend that has never met my children. A friend did my girls' Christmas stockings. Girls went to school carnival with a dear teacher friend. The girls made cookies...three times!
I have non-hodgekin large diffused B cell lymphoma. I haven't done any research on this yet. Funny- two months ago I was "mad" at my mom for not asking questions.....HA....humble pie!! Apparently I have the "best kind of lymphoma to have". Whatever. I haven't quite jumped on that party boat quite yet. I will have 4 maybe 6 rounds of chemo. I will be bald for my 40th birthday. BUT through God's healing hand and the many hands and feet of friends and family.....I WILL KICK LYMPHOMA'S ASS...and give God the glory. ; )
Peace that passes all understanding? Yeah, I am living it. I have great cheerleaders....and even prayerful cheerleaders that will swear with me. I am so good with that. I had a very angry day. I went and got my hair cut super short. I was angry and generally pissed at the world. I shared that with a friend. Some time passed and this wise friend said to me, "don't let your joy be robbed' and she reminded me of another time in my life that I was angry.....and that was when we were trying to start a family. Whoooo-eeeee. Was I ever mad then. YIKES. God BLESSED me abundantly in that journey and brought me closer to HIM. Soooo, I can't wait to see what good God brings from this trial. It's a lesson for my girls....people being the hands and feet of Christ, empathy, compassion, prayer, friendship, and God's healing hand.
I did one round of chemo already. Other than fatigue and some realllly bad joint pain it hasn't been horrible. I don't feel like myself. I hate that there is a port in my chest. I hate that this crud in my chest. BUT I am doing ok.
So very thankful for family and friends near and far. The folded hands of many bless me and keep my spirits lifted!
I will keep this blog updated through the journey!
.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Full Speed Ahead
Whewww. We hit the floor running.
School started for Lina and my mom came to visit. It was a week full of getting up early, some playing, and figuring out our new routine.
Lydia, for whatever reason, has been a real stinker to my mom the last two visits. It's actually quite awful. This visit was so nice and Lydia didn't have "stink face" once- other than her normal little quirks here and there. Grammy came with a suitcase full of crafts and Lydia enjoyed doing most of them. Thanks for the visit, Mom. I enjoyed the helping hand and your company.
Lydia started school also. They call it 4 Day 4s. She goes M-Th from 9-12. While Monday was met with tears and no excitment to go, Tuesday was better. Thursday morning she said, "I have to go AGAIN?" She was plum tired (to no fault of her if she would just stay in her bed all night and just sleep- this waking up between 2-4AM is wearing her and I OUT). Friday we went and played at our favorite splash pad....all by ourselves. Today she slept till after 9AM and is still in her jammies here at 1:00.
Lydia will take dance on Saturday mornings this year. Her little friend, Leah, will also. That will be fun. I am not thrilled with Saturday morning out and about, but it was the only class that worked for our schedule.
Lina is doing well. This week they did some fun penguin activities after reading "Three Cheers for Tacky" including a black and white snack day and a mismatched/tacky dress day. Here is long legged Lina all mismatched.
I have always believed after being a teacher and seeing kids so exhausted from all the activities they were doing that when I had kids and they started activities- it was one activity per season- of course with special circumstances (like a shorter trial season activity or Scouts) we would see how it goes. Last year we did nothing after school except for piano and choir. Wellllll this year will be different. Lina has expressed on more than, oh let's say 100, occasions that she would like to try gymnastics ("because I was born in Russia- I am pretty good at it"- lol). So we are doing that on Tuesdays with open gym on Friday nights (that we'll do if we have no other pressing plans although after last night I am pretty committed to getting her there- it was impressive and she LOVED it and slept for 13 hours!!!) Monday and Thursday afternoons (for :40) through October she'll swim on the "WP Pirates in Training" team. Her PE teacher is the coach and she is fabulous. There are only a handful of kids so it's nice swim instruction if anything. Lina enjoys it. Wednesday nights we'll be at church. Lina has choir and then I am leading a Bible study and the girls can go to the kids club where they do a lesson and activity. Then every other Monday afternoon is Brownies. I am only helping with the cookie hoopla.
So it's busy, but good. I just need to be a dinner planner and prepare ahead. Once 3:00 comes we are out and running. Sweet Lila is always in the car. I hate it for her. But we play all morning and Friday we just chill out.
Last week and this week will be full of some PTA committments I made. Merchandise has become my "baby". It just takes time and while people try to help- miscommunication happens and now I get to tell people they can't have a certain shirt, etc. Oh well.
Bob is good. His truck is still hanging on. He is looking for a "new" Tahoe and has a possible lead so maybe this week. He is real busy at work which is nice.....money wise, but wearing him out.
School started for Lina and my mom came to visit. It was a week full of getting up early, some playing, and figuring out our new routine.
Lydia, for whatever reason, has been a real stinker to my mom the last two visits. It's actually quite awful. This visit was so nice and Lydia didn't have "stink face" once- other than her normal little quirks here and there. Grammy came with a suitcase full of crafts and Lydia enjoyed doing most of them. Thanks for the visit, Mom. I enjoyed the helping hand and your company.
Lydia started school also. They call it 4 Day 4s. She goes M-Th from 9-12. While Monday was met with tears and no excitment to go, Tuesday was better. Thursday morning she said, "I have to go AGAIN?" She was plum tired (to no fault of her if she would just stay in her bed all night and just sleep- this waking up between 2-4AM is wearing her and I OUT). Friday we went and played at our favorite splash pad....all by ourselves. Today she slept till after 9AM and is still in her jammies here at 1:00.
Lydia finding her name. Her class is dinosaurs. She is not sold on that yet- kind of hoping for more of a ladybug or something. : )
Lina is doing well. This week they did some fun penguin activities after reading "Three Cheers for Tacky" including a black and white snack day and a mismatched/tacky dress day. Here is long legged Lina all mismatched.
I have always believed after being a teacher and seeing kids so exhausted from all the activities they were doing that when I had kids and they started activities- it was one activity per season- of course with special circumstances (like a shorter trial season activity or Scouts) we would see how it goes. Last year we did nothing after school except for piano and choir. Wellllll this year will be different. Lina has expressed on more than, oh let's say 100, occasions that she would like to try gymnastics ("because I was born in Russia- I am pretty good at it"- lol). So we are doing that on Tuesdays with open gym on Friday nights (that we'll do if we have no other pressing plans although after last night I am pretty committed to getting her there- it was impressive and she LOVED it and slept for 13 hours!!!) Monday and Thursday afternoons (for :40) through October she'll swim on the "WP Pirates in Training" team. Her PE teacher is the coach and she is fabulous. There are only a handful of kids so it's nice swim instruction if anything. Lina enjoys it. Wednesday nights we'll be at church. Lina has choir and then I am leading a Bible study and the girls can go to the kids club where they do a lesson and activity. Then every other Monday afternoon is Brownies. I am only helping with the cookie hoopla.
So it's busy, but good. I just need to be a dinner planner and prepare ahead. Once 3:00 comes we are out and running. Sweet Lila is always in the car. I hate it for her. But we play all morning and Friday we just chill out.
Last week and this week will be full of some PTA committments I made. Merchandise has become my "baby". It just takes time and while people try to help- miscommunication happens and now I get to tell people they can't have a certain shirt, etc. Oh well.
Bob is good. His truck is still hanging on. He is looking for a "new" Tahoe and has a possible lead so maybe this week. He is real busy at work which is nice.....money wise, but wearing him out.
Monday, August 23, 2010
School Bells Are Ringing
Lina and I were out the door about 7:55 this AM. Lina came with me to set up the "Boo-Hoo Breakfast" at school this am before heading to her 2nd grade classroom.
Right to work. : )
The breakfast went well. I love being able to tell moms- "I get it" and being able to share with them that it's going to be ok- of course the above being shared while I have tears in my eyes. I am SO SO happy for Lina. It's going to be a great year!
I suspect early to bed tonight.....I am anyway!
Friday, August 20, 2010
MUST. LEARN. TO. TRUST.
I am knee deep into PTA at BE- and while I enjoy it these past few weeks have been full of planning and DOING. Last night the 6 ladies of the Executive Board (I have signed on for Corresponding Secretary) hosted a social for the faculty and staff. We had over 90 folks come and it was a BLAST!! We presented the folks with new t-shirts and they loved them.
During the event we thought it would be fun to "magnet" the new Principal's truck. He was a good sport and found it to be in good fun! He's really a great guy. I am so excited for the school itself.
At the event the 2nd grade teachers were there. NONE of them mentioned having Lina. That surprised me. I knew Lina wasn't in the class I didn't want her to be in so that was good- but still I was curious. I wrote a letter requesting two classes in the Spring. Gave to Him and prayed. I was doing fine up until last week. Just so anxious. I hate the way the school shares the info- putting lists on window as you arrive for Meet the Teacher.
Last year our prayers were answered by having Ms. H. Loud and clear AGAIN prayers answered. Lina is in a 2nd grade class with 2 of the most loving, precious, fun ladies!! They job share. One teaches M/T the other Th/F and they alternate W. They have been doing this for 10 years, a well oiled machine, and apparently everyone loves them. Mrs. M/M they are referred to as! Adorable. Lina was so excited. And it gets better- there are about 4 of the sweetest girls and friends from last year in this class!! I have agreed to co-room mom to this class of 15. It's going to be great. Aren't they just adorable?
One shot of classroom:
First day of school......Monday. Baby big girl heading to 2nd grade. Sigh.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Summer Sun Winding Down
Dianne and her family drove down from NY this week. They are staying about 3 hours away. We made a little beach get-away of it and visited with them this week. Always good to see them.
We hit the beach at 10:30. We left the beach at 4:45. Lina was either under water, riding waves on her boogie board, or getting beat up by waves. Lydia was either screaming at the waves, screaming about the sand in her bathing suit, or had one of running up to the showers/pool. Such different ladies they are. Lila was either playing in the sand, enjoying the water WITH daddy, or taking a snooze. We all got a little too much sun, but not terrible.
We hit the beach at 10:30. We left the beach at 4:45. Lina was either under water, riding waves on her boogie board, or getting beat up by waves. Lydia was either screaming at the waves, screaming about the sand in her bathing suit, or had one of running up to the showers/pool. Such different ladies they are. Lila was either playing in the sand, enjoying the water WITH daddy, or taking a snooze. We all got a little too much sun, but not terrible.
Me and my Best
Get THIS sand out of my suit.
The more sand the better. Everywhere.
Pretty sure she has gills and IS part dolphin. Crazy girl.
My precious family!
5 little miracles!
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