December to Remember. Or Not. I Have Not Decided.

So. What in the world happeneded this month??

First, rewind a few months.

I have been "trying to train" for this half marathon that Jennifer Magee and I registered for. I seriously could never go further than 3 miles. Very frustrating because I am not THAT out of shape. In October Jen and I did 8 miles and I seriously thought I would collapse afterward. Not thinking more than "dang girl- lose weight and get in better shape- NOW".

I spent a great week in NY with my mom and dad in October. On Halloween something didn't feel right in my neck. Hard to explain. It just felt tight.

November. As each day passed I would feel that tightness. If I bent over or got up from laying down I felt like my head was going to explode. I woke up with VERY puffy eyes and Bob said that I have snoring like a man. I knew I had to be because I woke up with sore throat and just not feeling rested. Hmmm. SOMEthing is going on.

I also do not have a doctor. I began that search. Never really "feeling it" from suggestions. I went to CentraCare one night saying that I either have a sinus infection or a brain tumor. Both were ruled out. Didn't really get anywhere that visit. Finally went to a practice at the hospital. Didn't love it, but I was there. Doc sent me for some bloodwork and a sonogram of "my enlarged thyroid". When I said, "What about my neck??" She said that after labs and sonogram we will see what was going on. I would have 2 weeks before my next appointment.


December. We had Lina's Annie Jr. perfomance that first weekend. I felt awful that weekend. I had an apt scheduled for 12/9 (Friday) I called 12/1 seeing if I could get in sooner. Nope. Nothing available. I called again on Monday 12/5 complaining that I just can't wait. Something was wrong. They could get me in Thursday. Oh good. I pushed through the day on Monday. Tuesday 12/6 I read to Lydia's Kindergarten class and went grocery shopping. I came home and cried. I KNEW something was wrong with me and now I was scared. On Wednesday 12/7 I called doc office again and asked what do I do and they told me to go to ER. I took girls to school. I called Marilyn to come sit with Lila. Bob was in the shower and I popped my head in and said, "Babe, I am going to ER".

A friend dropped me off at FL Hospital. I was seen within minutes. They ran a CT scan, hooked up an IV, and then I just hung out for observation for a little bit. I was brought into a room and saw my first 12 year old doctor. (Ok, maybe he wasn't 12, but he wasn't mid-40s!!) Bob was able to come to hospital at this point- THANK GOD. The ER doc came in and said, "Mrs. Blackwood we are going to admit you. It seems there is something that is causing blood clots in your neck". WHAAAT??? I was quickly admitted and brought to the "rif-raff" floor- good golly- there was a llittle bit of everything going on on that floor. I had a sweet little creole roommate who was beside herself that I was in there because I was so young. I love being told that!


So. Praise God for great friends that immediately took over with care for the girls. My house was a wreck and really at that point it just didn't matter. I felt horrible. Of course, this is just days before Christmas.

12/8 I had a bunch of CT scans. Saw the little boy doctor again. I broke down and cried asking one of the nurses (who were AWEsome!!) if I could see a "grown up doctor". I did see a grown up doctor- didn't love her either- and she said, "well, there is a mass in your chest that is causing blood clots. We have to biopsy it but typically this presents itself as cancer". Whoa. What? Someone call my husband now.

That afternoon (Thursday) several specialists popped in to add their .02. Gage- an oncology nurse. LOVED her- hated what she was saying. She really was wonderful though. I cried. She hugged. Sandy- the surgeon's nurse. SHE was a breath of "it's going to be ok". I cried. She hugged. She called Bob. Dr. Accola popped in. This man OWNED the room when he walked in and I LOVED THAT. I needed confident and mid- 40s. He said his gut was "lymphoma". Oh. DEAR. He was going to do the biopsy. I cried. He hugged me. He also asked, "why are you on this floor". Well, dude. I just go where I am I told. He picked up the phone and after some commands hung up and said that I would move to a nicer private room hopefully tomorrow. Well, alright. Then I met with oncologist. He talked fast and spoke words I didn't want to hear. He also was confident- and I liked that. I told him I have 3 small children and that I have the fight in me to do whatever I need to do beat this- so GAME ON!

My mom was starting chemo on Friday. I didn't want her to know what was going on because she needed to focus on HER. I briefly told my dad, but no details. Poor guy. His ladies are high maintainence these days.

I had a wonderful visit from Pastor and Millie Fink. Love those two. I had visits from good friends and I could immediately feel the support that we had. My girls were being loved and cared for. Friends dropped their schedules and pitched in. Friends were picking up and dropping off, making food, taking girls for outings....just loving on them.

I was on a heparin drip. I started to feel a little better. I had not showered since Tuesday and felt like a big ball of stink. My dear friend MB came with new jammies, but I felt so nasty to put them on. Well, 3AM SATURDAY MORNING....lights flick on and "Mrs. Blackwood, your room is ready". Really. 3AM. Ok.

Out in the hallway with bright lights shining in my eyes showing my beauty....I was moved. I was moved to the penthouse suite. Not really, but pretty darn close. I was told that a nurse named Ted would be waiting for me. Great. It's 3 AM, I smell, I feel like crap and I am going to habve a boy nurse. Great. Well. I arrived on the 8th floor. I met Ted. He showed me around the room- including my internet TV and said, "when did you shower last"? LOL. I snorted when he said that. Ted then said, "girl, you need a shower and then get all hunkered down for a good sleep". Well, thank you Ted. I will take you up on that. He wrapped up my arm with IV, got some towels, turned on the hot water and left me to ejoy that shower. Something about a shower. It felt so good. I got out, got dressed, and sat on the bed and cried.

After a few minutes Ted came to check on me. He totally read my state of mind.....he started asking about the girls, we swapped kid stories (he has 2 little ones), asked if he could pray, we prayed, we talked about my "chart"....popped a pill and I was OUT LIKE A LIGHT.

I felt so much better. My room was beautiful. The view of the sunrise was a perfect gift of the reminder of GOD'S GOODNESS no matter what nonsense lies ahead. I had a lovely day nurse and just hung around with good friends visiting.....and little did I know there were some special friends flying the friendly skies at that moment.

Ted was on again for the next 3 nights. He basically left me alone to visit with friends and helped with blood draws from my IV because my very naughty veins were tired at that point. Ted was also on my team with keeping away "Doogie". : )

At this point I had called my mom's good friend and co-worker to share what was going on. Barbara is good for my mom and I needed her to be with my mom and dad. I also called our Pastor...whom we have known GASP for 25 years. The plan was to call my folks Saturday night and let them in on what's going down.

Saturday. Debby the fabulous day nurse was on. We were chatting and just getting acquainted and she was just great. Knock on the door. In walked my dear Kelly from MO and Michele from Seattle.....like they lived down the block. I was FLOORED. FLOORED. Speechless. I had just been texting with these gals hours prior. A complete act of love and friendship....their hubbies took over at this crazy time of year and they came to just be with me. ME. We have been talking about a girls' weekend.....FL Hospital was not the destination idea, but it seemed to just work.

We laughed and laughed. They brought me Starbucks. They got to meet my real-life friends. I met K and M online. Yes, online!! We met in 2002 on Hannah's Prayer Ministries- an online message forum for women dealing with infertility and infant loss. We met in person in 2003 in Arkansas. And maybe a handful of times we have met for lunch or Disney meet ups if visiting with their families. We communicate via email and text message at least once a week though. We met at a very dark and angry time in our lives. We have mourned and rejoiced with one another. We have walked through the toughest times together.....we are FRIENDS. Each shift the nurse would bring my "Plan for the Day"...today's said, "just don't wake the neighbors". : )

Saturday night I finally talked with my parents. The timing of this. YUCK. My mom sounded so good from her first round of chemo and was commenting on how I must be so busy right now. A little bit.....I hated telling my mom and dad. I hated that they were going to be upset and would worry. It wasn't terrible though and my heart rate had been up for a couple of days....It came down a bit after I told them. We both promised that we would lean on the support that we both have...in NY and FL and when all is said and done we would celebrate together somewhere!

On Sunday, 12/11 K and M went to grab lunch and do a little Target run. OR so they said. You see, another friend I met through HP was flying from Arkansas. The gals quickly learned that there are TWO Orlando airports and each were at one. So while I thought K and M were shopping and having a ball in Target....they were doing an airport run to pick up Denise. They got me good. M would text that K was having such a good time shopping and that her luggage would be too heavy. They finally made it back to my room and we were talking. Denise called my cell to see how the visit was going and I ever so fresh said, "well, they have been gone allll day" and D responded with if she were here she wouldn't leave my room to go shopping......and in she walked through my door. Like a breath of fresh air. And I cried. We hugged.

Word was out about what was happening and that I would have a biopsy on Tuesday morning. I laughed and enjoyed visits from good friends all day Sunday and Monday. The food at the hospital was HORRIBLE. I mean realllly horrible. Thankfully I have good friends in my life and there are great restaurants nearby...I didn't starve and was thankful that at 9pm a friend was willing to grab me a baked potato one night and a sub another.

To say I was thankful is an understatement of the special people in my life that were taking care of my girls. The girls came to see me one day, but I looked scary and I didn't like the way they looked at me. But on Monday each girl came for a visit by herself and that was special. I just wanted to hug on them.

My biopsy was Tuesday morning- bright an early. I know nothing what happened aside from telling anyone that looked at me in the surgery waiting area that i was wide awake and didn't want to be. They quickly took care of that. : ) Medicine is something.

When I woke up I was in my room surrounded by Bob (who was able to sleep over on Monday night), my friends, my Pastor, Christmas decorations, laughter....peace. I really could have freaked out at that point. K and M were leaving shortly- that was a hard good-bye. Although I was really loopy. Pastor even did a Panera soup run for me (serioulsy, I am a BRAT and so spoiled when it came to food and support here!!)

D was staying till Thursday. So we had Wednesday to just talk, laugh, watch a dumb movie, eat....and do my nails. 'Cause that is important! More friends from neighborhood and church visited. It was a "nice" day that I hated see come to an end. D was there when oncologist came to visit and he shared that this was indeed lymphoma. I asked him, "who is the best lymphoma guy in your practice" and he replied that he was indeed the lymphoma guy. I then put my hand up for a high five and he went along with the high five. We didn't know the type yet- could take 48 hours, but that this was treatable, curable and....."you will see your girls get married". I didn't even ask that. D and I both cried when he left. Doc also said that chemo would be like pouring hot water on ice....the tumor would melt away. Good. BE.GONE.

D and I took a walk around the halls and then cried saying good-bye....till we meet up again.

The next morning I woulld be getting a port put in. A port. A port for chemo. Put in my chest. Same as my mom. Same as my friend, Carmen. My children will see three of their top ladies battle cancer AT. THE. SAME. TIME. My good nurse friend, Ted, was on that night. He was great. He talked me through a lot of my uncertainty. He did go "all Baptist on me" at one point making sure I have accepted Jesus in my heart.....I assured him me and Jesus are so good! ; )

Apparently my port wasn't an easy procedure. I, again, alerted everyone that looked at me that I was awake and didn't want to be. I woke up in the hallway on the way to my room where Bob and I just hung out and waited to hear what was happening. I was discharged late that evening....and came home to my girls playing in the driveway with signs on the door....and my Carmen and Amanda. My MIL was here also making sure we were fed..which we were thanks again to friends!!

So. 8 days in the hospital. I missed class Christmas parties. I "dumped" party/gift responsibilities on other very busy mommas. Trinity accomodating having Lila come to school every morning. 8 days of friends loving on us in different ways. Emails, texts, visits, gifts....PRAYERS. Very overwhelming. We live in a great community and our school is so supportive- SO supportive. We have a website for meals www.takethemameal.com Blackwood 5199 for crying out loud. People are so giving. My girls received American Girls from a friend that has never met my children. A friend did my girls' Christmas stockings.  Girls went to school carnival with a dear teacher friend. The girls made cookies...three times!

I have non-hodgekin large diffused B cell lymphoma. I haven't done any research on this yet. Funny- two months ago I was "mad" at my mom for not asking questions.....HA....humble pie!! Apparently I have the "best kind of lymphoma to have". Whatever. I haven't quite jumped on that party boat quite yet. I will have 4 maybe 6 rounds of chemo. I will be bald for my 40th birthday. BUT through God's healing hand and the many hands and feet of friends and family.....I WILL KICK LYMPHOMA'S ASS...and give God the glory. ; )

Peace that passes all understanding? Yeah, I am living it. I have great cheerleaders....and even prayerful cheerleaders that will swear with me. I am so good with that. I had a very angry day. I went and got my hair cut super short. I was angry and generally pissed at the world. I shared that with a friend. Some time passed and this wise friend said to me, "don't let your joy be robbed' and she reminded me of another time in my life that I was angry.....and that was when we were trying to start a family. Whoooo-eeeee. Was I ever mad then. YIKES. God BLESSED me abundantly in that journey and brought me closer to HIM. Soooo, I can't wait to see what good God brings from this trial. It's a lesson for my girls....people being the hands and feet of Christ, empathy, compassion, prayer, friendship, and God's healing hand.

I did one round of chemo already. Other than fatigue and some realllly bad joint pain it hasn't been horrible. I don't feel like myself. I hate that there is a port in my chest. I hate that this crud in my chest. BUT I am doing ok.

So very thankful for family and friends near and far. The folded hands of many bless me and keep my spirits lifted!

I will keep this blog updated through the journey!



.