Monday, April 30, 2012
Done. Now Beginning.
What a week! What. A. Week.
Last Monday I had a port study done. Dumb thing hasn't cooperated at all. So I do this study. Radiologist tells me that it shouldn't be used. Oh. Great. I was to have chemo #7 on Wednesday.
Wednesday came. I showed up for Rituxin meds. I was able to get that med because it's not a chemo med. Had a consult with Dr. Z and he agreed not good to use port- there is a clot at tip which acts like a dam when nurse tried to draw blood and my obnoxious veins. He also told me I would get a PICC line done on Thursday. Again. Oh. Good.
Thursday. We went to FL Hospital and met two ladies who do nothing but PICC lines all day. Weird. I didn't care for the procedure. At all. It didn't hurt but I was fully aware and didn't love the pressure on my arm or the trouble the tech was having getting this thing in. After about :30 it was decided again that my veins are uncooperative all over my body.
I had the best cry in the hallway. Full blown sob. While walking over to clinic I just kept talking...praying. Then I was told no chemo for today. Thursday night was awful. I was scared. I was confused. I was completely unsettled.
Friday. I had a consult with oncologist to figure out what in the world we do now. Dr Z came in and told me my PET scan was clear again. That was great news. Dr Z then said "that's it- you're done with treatment". What? That was not the conversation I had played out in my mind. Dr went on to talk statistics with me. I have the best lymphoma to have. What. Ever. I responded textbook like and this crud is gone.
Praise God.
I can't "go there" emotionally yet. I will. One day at a time....
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Not So Much DONE
I am having blogger issues. Hopefully this posts though.
It's April. Just finished round 6- which I really was hoping would be the end of treatment for now. BUT it's not.
My very dear Cristy Jean arrived a week ago to take on round 6 with me. So blessed! Her big kids (Z is 16 now!! and G 14) gave their blessing for their momma to head to FL during Holy Week. And I was so blessed by this act of love!! Cristy was my college roommate for 2 years in IL and then we both transferred schools- she to WI and I in NY. So really the 22 years that we have been best frieds has been long distance. I love my time with Cristy. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me think. She makes me LAUGH!!
So Cristy and I headed to chemo. It's overwhelming for a friend to walk into "this" live and in person. She was great though. I was getting upset- she held my hand...pulled out Mad Libs....or just made me laugh. I had port troubles and Cristy was very defensive for me....my mother cub. Friday was disturbing though- with all the flushing and trying to get a blood return from port when the nurse took needle out...the blood came. All over my shirt. So gross. So disturbing. But we high tailed it out of there, flew home so I could change, C grabbed Panera lunch, picked me back up, and we headed to see "Mirror Mirror" so we could enjoy some Julia (we would watch Pretty Woman over and over....and our phrase is "take care of you").
It was a different Good Friday and Easter weekend this year. I had a beautiful 5 days with my friend though. Cristy was great- dyed eggs with the girls, took them outside alllll day so I could snooze a bit, made sure we all ate and drank, and generally just helped with the every day things that I don't have the energy for right now. It was a blessing and a treat to have her here. Lina had to sing at the sunrise service so having Cristy here that morning was so helpful getting everyone up, dressed, and out the door before 6AM was so nice. (and my Lina had a beautiful little solo that made me tear up)
I hated saying good bye. We talked about our next get together- and hopefully this summer Lydia and I will get to WI for a long weekend. Then again Lina will want to go also.....and really we should all vacation together : )
After a tearful good bye at the airport we headed over to Casa de Ramiz. We usually go for an afternoon swim on Easter but this year nothing is like we used to do so I didn't even think about it. We didn't pack suits or anything because we were just going to stop by quickly. Welllllll, it was like normal times and we chatted and laughed and didn't just talk about cancer or chemo...it was soooo nice. I finally caved and just let the girls swim in their clothes. They had a great time with that and Laura and her sweetie Bryan were good sports swimming with the girls.
Girls were sound asleep before 7PM and that was my goal : )
Then Monday rolled around. Bigs had school and Lila was home with me. I was doing some picking up and we had just started lunch when the doorbell rang. And when I went to the door.....there was little Abigail and William Lunden like they lived down the street. Allll the way from NY. And there was my Dianne and her hubby Scott hiding. Crazy. They took the auto train from NY and surprised me. Yes, they did. They are here all week. Dianne. My Dianne. I have known Dianne forever. Her aunt lived across the street from me and we always played together as kids. We are 2 years apart in age. HS we may have drifted a little, but since I was probably 11 years old she has been my bff. They are staying at a hotel nearby. The kids played so nicely after school yesterday. Going to lay low today- maybe swim after school. And I think we may play hookie on Thursday. ; )
It's April. Just finished round 6- which I really was hoping would be the end of treatment for now. BUT it's not.
My very dear Cristy Jean arrived a week ago to take on round 6 with me. So blessed! Her big kids (Z is 16 now!! and G 14) gave their blessing for their momma to head to FL during Holy Week. And I was so blessed by this act of love!! Cristy was my college roommate for 2 years in IL and then we both transferred schools- she to WI and I in NY. So really the 22 years that we have been best frieds has been long distance. I love my time with Cristy. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me think. She makes me LAUGH!!
So Cristy and I headed to chemo. It's overwhelming for a friend to walk into "this" live and in person. She was great though. I was getting upset- she held my hand...pulled out Mad Libs....or just made me laugh. I had port troubles and Cristy was very defensive for me....my mother cub. Friday was disturbing though- with all the flushing and trying to get a blood return from port when the nurse took needle out...the blood came. All over my shirt. So gross. So disturbing. But we high tailed it out of there, flew home so I could change, C grabbed Panera lunch, picked me back up, and we headed to see "Mirror Mirror" so we could enjoy some Julia (we would watch Pretty Woman over and over....and our phrase is "take care of you").
It was a different Good Friday and Easter weekend this year. I had a beautiful 5 days with my friend though. Cristy was great- dyed eggs with the girls, took them outside alllll day so I could snooze a bit, made sure we all ate and drank, and generally just helped with the every day things that I don't have the energy for right now. It was a blessing and a treat to have her here. Lina had to sing at the sunrise service so having Cristy here that morning was so helpful getting everyone up, dressed, and out the door before 6AM was so nice. (and my Lina had a beautiful little solo that made me tear up)
I hated saying good bye. We talked about our next get together- and hopefully this summer Lydia and I will get to WI for a long weekend. Then again Lina will want to go also.....and really we should all vacation together : )
After a tearful good bye at the airport we headed over to Casa de Ramiz. We usually go for an afternoon swim on Easter but this year nothing is like we used to do so I didn't even think about it. We didn't pack suits or anything because we were just going to stop by quickly. Welllllll, it was like normal times and we chatted and laughed and didn't just talk about cancer or chemo...it was soooo nice. I finally caved and just let the girls swim in their clothes. They had a great time with that and Laura and her sweetie Bryan were good sports swimming with the girls.
Girls were sound asleep before 7PM and that was my goal : )
Then Monday rolled around. Bigs had school and Lila was home with me. I was doing some picking up and we had just started lunch when the doorbell rang. And when I went to the door.....there was little Abigail and William Lunden like they lived down the street. Allll the way from NY. And there was my Dianne and her hubby Scott hiding. Crazy. They took the auto train from NY and surprised me. Yes, they did. They are here all week. Dianne. My Dianne. I have known Dianne forever. Her aunt lived across the street from me and we always played together as kids. We are 2 years apart in age. HS we may have drifted a little, but since I was probably 11 years old she has been my bff. They are staying at a hotel nearby. The kids played so nicely after school yesterday. Going to lay low today- maybe swim after school. And I think we may play hookie on Thursday. ; )
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Or How About.....
I had today allll planned out in my mind. I had the converstaions played out and everything......
OR how about this-
PA walks in to talk to me, "The home stretch, you are in the home stretch now".
"Yes, I am. Last cycle April 4, 5, and 6" and I jokingly said something about having port removed the week after. (I KNOW that isn't happening)
"Dr. Z hasn't talked about possibly cycle 7 & 8"??? says the PA.
"No. No he hasn't. It started at 4 and went to 6. But no mention of 7&8".
And the converstation continued like that. I didn't cry or become upset. There is also talk of "maintenence therapy for a YEAR" (which could be 1 med 1 day every 4 weeks)
Dr. Z came in and I began questioning him. He then said we will wait and see what repeat PET scan looks like next month. Fine. I asked him about if this is a possibility with "no activity"....a clean PET in February? He rattled off some statistics and research and mentioned how not having radiation....and blah blah blah blah. And finally, that nothing would be decided today. Then he mentioned how healthy I look, what a great color I had on, and I am doing great. So. I am taking that last sentence with me for a week of spring break playing.....and then doing some research and what not for myself.
Don't get me wrong- if 8 is what keeps me, oh alive, and not dealing with this crap ever again- I'll do it all tomorrow. Just was not expecting that today. At all.
OR how about this-
PA walks in to talk to me, "The home stretch, you are in the home stretch now".
"Yes, I am. Last cycle April 4, 5, and 6" and I jokingly said something about having port removed the week after. (I KNOW that isn't happening)
"Dr. Z hasn't talked about possibly cycle 7 & 8"??? says the PA.
"No. No he hasn't. It started at 4 and went to 6. But no mention of 7&8".
And the converstation continued like that. I didn't cry or become upset. There is also talk of "maintenence therapy for a YEAR" (which could be 1 med 1 day every 4 weeks)
Dr. Z came in and I began questioning him. He then said we will wait and see what repeat PET scan looks like next month. Fine. I asked him about if this is a possibility with "no activity"....a clean PET in February? He rattled off some statistics and research and mentioned how not having radiation....and blah blah blah blah. And finally, that nothing would be decided today. Then he mentioned how healthy I look, what a great color I had on, and I am doing great. So. I am taking that last sentence with me for a week of spring break playing.....and then doing some research and what not for myself.
Don't get me wrong- if 8 is what keeps me, oh alive, and not dealing with this crap ever again- I'll do it all tomorrow. Just was not expecting that today. At all.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
A Week
I am here. Just haven't had the words to write.
BUT it's been a week since treatment and I feel SO much better than I did up until yesterday.
I was sharing with a mom friend at school today- I know that the shot I get messes with my joints and for some reason for me, I feel it in my skin and my neck also. Well. It really freaks me out. I yawned the other night and my neck felt like it did in November and it scares me. Then I start poking around at my body and looking in mirror and convince myself that chemo didn't work and "it's back". Granted, I will live like that for the rest of my life now.....but I haaaaate living like that. That's not faith. That's not trust. It is fear. And well, fear sucks.
Trying to keep life as normal as possible and have been avoiding potty training Lila because she just doesn't "get it" Well, I go to the extreme and have a behavioral therapist come to the house and we discuss my plan for the day. She tells me she wouldn't do anything different- offers a few different ideas and was on her way. Monday was a disaster. I kept a pull up on over panties (which are just sooooooooo tiny, precious, and adorable) because she just kept peeing. Tuesday. I flooded her with juice and sweet tea and every :30-:45 we were in the bathroom. She would go just a little each time. But she was dry all day. Finally she realllly went. Woke up dry Wednesday and we had a very productive day....without a pull up. So proud of her. She is still such a peanut, but is really working hard at this. And funny thing- we haven't left the house and it's been so enjoyable for both of us. Hmmm. Perhaps we need to do that more often. Too much rushing around, going there and here.....I am getting it.
Tomorrow is the last day of school before spring break! Ahhh- I cannot wait. The girls cannot wait. Friday we are starting it off by taking the big girls to the Magic game. Bob, after 6 years of waiting, finally got the company's tickets! Lila will play with Tia and Tony for the night. It should be fun!! Monday- Thursday we will be out at Orange Lake with good friends. Cannot wait for that either. Monday is Bob's b-day and Rich is making a BBQ pork dinner. Thursday we will wake up, pack up, and head over to Busch Gardens for the day. Lina has been dying to get there.....and I told her if she made her AR goal we would go. Which is not a problem for the girl because she reads and reads and reads, but she hates those tests. And I can't blame her, but she needed to do them. And she did.
I go to the oncologist tomorrow just to touch base. I always like those appointments. I like hearing, "you're doing great" and I will ask him to tell me again that "it's all gone"....and I will be good for a few days.
BUT it's been a week since treatment and I feel SO much better than I did up until yesterday.
I was sharing with a mom friend at school today- I know that the shot I get messes with my joints and for some reason for me, I feel it in my skin and my neck also. Well. It really freaks me out. I yawned the other night and my neck felt like it did in November and it scares me. Then I start poking around at my body and looking in mirror and convince myself that chemo didn't work and "it's back". Granted, I will live like that for the rest of my life now.....but I haaaaate living like that. That's not faith. That's not trust. It is fear. And well, fear sucks.
Trying to keep life as normal as possible and have been avoiding potty training Lila because she just doesn't "get it" Well, I go to the extreme and have a behavioral therapist come to the house and we discuss my plan for the day. She tells me she wouldn't do anything different- offers a few different ideas and was on her way. Monday was a disaster. I kept a pull up on over panties (which are just sooooooooo tiny, precious, and adorable) because she just kept peeing. Tuesday. I flooded her with juice and sweet tea and every :30-:45 we were in the bathroom. She would go just a little each time. But she was dry all day. Finally she realllly went. Woke up dry Wednesday and we had a very productive day....without a pull up. So proud of her. She is still such a peanut, but is really working hard at this. And funny thing- we haven't left the house and it's been so enjoyable for both of us. Hmmm. Perhaps we need to do that more often. Too much rushing around, going there and here.....I am getting it.
Tomorrow is the last day of school before spring break! Ahhh- I cannot wait. The girls cannot wait. Friday we are starting it off by taking the big girls to the Magic game. Bob, after 6 years of waiting, finally got the company's tickets! Lila will play with Tia and Tony for the night. It should be fun!! Monday- Thursday we will be out at Orange Lake with good friends. Cannot wait for that either. Monday is Bob's b-day and Rich is making a BBQ pork dinner. Thursday we will wake up, pack up, and head over to Busch Gardens for the day. Lina has been dying to get there.....and I told her if she made her AR goal we would go. Which is not a problem for the girl because she reads and reads and reads, but she hates those tests. And I can't blame her, but she needed to do them. And she did.
I go to the oncologist tomorrow just to touch base. I always like those appointments. I like hearing, "you're doing great" and I will ask him to tell me again that "it's all gone"....and I will be good for a few days.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Overwhelmingly Overwhelmed
It's been 3 weeks already. So ding ding ding Round 5 is tomorrow. Not going to lie. I AM. TIRED. OF. IT. ALL. I am tired of thinking about it all. I am tired of appointments. I am tired of making arrangements for girls. I am just done. I am tired of being....brave. But I am and I can do all things........BUT I still don't want to go tomorrow.
While I am still elated that treatment worked like textbook- I am also a wee bit overwhelmed. As a dear friend said to me, "you had freaking lymphoma- you can be overwhelmed".
BUT then I need to remember how God has completely taken care of me, the girls, and every single detail of how this has all worked out. From friends being there from day 1, to dozens and dozens of cards, to Debbie being able to be here all day on chemo days (sidebar- we had a lovely breakfast together as normal friends on my birthday and it was fabulous!!), to friends taking girls, to meals brought in (and by some people we don't even know! We have been blessed with over 40 meals and/or gift certificates for meals!!), to friends visiting just when I need them most, to memories that make me smile and laugh. Every. little. detail. I am blessed.
I also have a little guilt feeling going on. This was so quick for me. People battle for months and years with this crap. Not neccessarily lymphoma, but treatment. And I was told from day 1 that my treatment would be short and it would be gone. I went into this with those expectations and praise God that so far that is all happening. My prayer support continues and I can't express enough how much my faith has grown with "finding Jesus outside of church family". I mean, I expect that my church family is praying for me. It's the moms at school that have poured out their hearts, faith, and meals.....that has helped me to see and teach my girls that "Jesus is EVERYwhere" and that has been so so good. FOR ALL OF US!
But why me. Why was this "easy" for me? Then again...WHY ME???? Now I will worry for the rest of my life over every little itch, ache, or bump I have. WHY!!! That's not...not....well, it's not fair. And there. I sound like my 8 year old daughter. I am also not the only person to deal with this- um, hello My mother (who finishes her chemo this week!!!! and is doing amazing!! Next is radiation) and friend, Carmen (onto radiation now!) at the same time?? Just dumb. The treatment room is PACKED and more and more people know someone who is battling this crap. I don't get it. We have come so far in treating though and for that I am thankful. But enough already. I hate cancer.
The word "survivor" is heavy. I AM a survivor. Then I think about it. The alternative to being a survivor. Being faced with your possible mortality weeks before a female turns 40 SUCKS! : ) It's overwhelming. While hanging with Jesus isn't a bad idea....I have little girls that I want to see grow up. I don't want them to not have a mommy here on Earth. And please know that I don't think about this all day or every day...just typing it out and yes, I did think about all that. Probably when oncologist said, "you will see your girls get married"- the reality of this nonsense hit me.
So while I am good- I am overwhelmingly overwhelmed!
While I am still elated that treatment worked like textbook- I am also a wee bit overwhelmed. As a dear friend said to me, "you had freaking lymphoma- you can be overwhelmed".
BUT then I need to remember how God has completely taken care of me, the girls, and every single detail of how this has all worked out. From friends being there from day 1, to dozens and dozens of cards, to Debbie being able to be here all day on chemo days (sidebar- we had a lovely breakfast together as normal friends on my birthday and it was fabulous!!), to friends taking girls, to meals brought in (and by some people we don't even know! We have been blessed with over 40 meals and/or gift certificates for meals!!), to friends visiting just when I need them most, to memories that make me smile and laugh. Every. little. detail. I am blessed.
I also have a little guilt feeling going on. This was so quick for me. People battle for months and years with this crap. Not neccessarily lymphoma, but treatment. And I was told from day 1 that my treatment would be short and it would be gone. I went into this with those expectations and praise God that so far that is all happening. My prayer support continues and I can't express enough how much my faith has grown with "finding Jesus outside of church family". I mean, I expect that my church family is praying for me. It's the moms at school that have poured out their hearts, faith, and meals.....that has helped me to see and teach my girls that "Jesus is EVERYwhere" and that has been so so good. FOR ALL OF US!
But why me. Why was this "easy" for me? Then again...WHY ME???? Now I will worry for the rest of my life over every little itch, ache, or bump I have. WHY!!! That's not...not....well, it's not fair. And there. I sound like my 8 year old daughter. I am also not the only person to deal with this- um, hello My mother (who finishes her chemo this week!!!! and is doing amazing!! Next is radiation) and friend, Carmen (onto radiation now!) at the same time?? Just dumb. The treatment room is PACKED and more and more people know someone who is battling this crap. I don't get it. We have come so far in treating though and for that I am thankful. But enough already. I hate cancer.
The word "survivor" is heavy. I AM a survivor. Then I think about it. The alternative to being a survivor. Being faced with your possible mortality weeks before a female turns 40 SUCKS! : ) It's overwhelming. While hanging with Jesus isn't a bad idea....I have little girls that I want to see grow up. I don't want them to not have a mommy here on Earth. And please know that I don't think about this all day or every day...just typing it out and yes, I did think about all that. Probably when oncologist said, "you will see your girls get married"- the reality of this nonsense hit me.
So while I am good- I am overwhelmingly overwhelmed!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
It's Not A Dream
Kinda feel like I need to pinch myself...this is not a dream. Remission. It's real!!
I slept like a rock Friday night. Woke up Saturday and felt ready to be "normal" again.....slowly.
I was feeling strong enough and not bad joint pain so I was able to see my precious Amanda Lynn get married to her sweetie, Tim. I have known Amanda since she was 9 when she moved to FL just a few short months after I did....and I was her teacher. Amanda is very dear to me. So I was so happy to be there to see this big day for her. And to see my Carmen...looking so beautiful. Ah, the whole Ramiz family...they had a big day and I was happy to be there. My girls had a blast and danced the night away until they literally passed out.
Sunday I got to visit with Jen and Brendan....who were here for our marathon weekend. OOOPS- stupid lymphoma. Instead we celebrated remission with dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and tomorrow lunch at Chick-fil-A : ). Love those two. I wish we could see them more often. Jen is gearing up for the NYC 1/2 Marathon March 18th. So proud of her!
I slept like a rock Friday night. Woke up Saturday and felt ready to be "normal" again.....slowly.
I was feeling strong enough and not bad joint pain so I was able to see my precious Amanda Lynn get married to her sweetie, Tim. I have known Amanda since she was 9 when she moved to FL just a few short months after I did....and I was her teacher. Amanda is very dear to me. So I was so happy to be there to see this big day for her. And to see my Carmen...looking so beautiful. Ah, the whole Ramiz family...they had a big day and I was happy to be there. My girls had a blast and danced the night away until they literally passed out.
Sunday I got to visit with Jen and Brendan....who were here for our marathon weekend. OOOPS- stupid lymphoma. Instead we celebrated remission with dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and tomorrow lunch at Chick-fil-A : ). Love those two. I wish we could see them more often. Jen is gearing up for the NYC 1/2 Marathon March 18th. So proud of her!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Lymphoma WHO???
REMISSION! It's gone. It's all, excuse me, freaking gone!!! By HIS stripes I am healed! Claiming it and believing it!!
I am so overwhelmed- I can't get the words out that I want to share. Kind of still processing and maybe a little bit of trying to wrap my mind over this. How amazing is our Healer!
My PET scan showed "no activity". The tumor in my chest is still there- eww- but the cancer cells have been destroyed. Doc used the analogy of a honey comb...honey is sucked out, but the comb is still there. EVENTUALLY my body will absorb that, but it's a big sucker.
Doc showed PET from December and last week- you can see the difference. I have some inflammation where the biopsy was done, but that should clear itself up as my healing continues. I can tell the difference myself. I was worried about that "lump" and had myself convinced that it was more lymphoma.....probably what I will do for the rest of my life...which is really annoying.
I will need to do 2 more rounds of chemo though. JUUUUUST to make sure. I am ok with that. I will have another PET in April after the last round and from there the plan of what comes next happens. My doc is very much a step at a time guy and didn't give me any idea of monitoring afterward...like every 3 months or 6 months PET?? He did talk about radiation consult again, but he said if the next PET looks like this one he would agree with no radiation neccessary.
So. How about that news? On a Friday nonetheless....a week before my birthday! It's a brand new year.
My friend, Stephanie, dropped by with the girls after school so I could tell them. Lina smiled and hugged. Lydia lifted my hat to see if my hair grew back and asked if my port was out. LOLOL! Oh honey. I told them 2 more medicine rounds to do yet, but (interupts Lyd, 5 years old mind you) "the lymphoma is gone". Yes, sweet girl...lymphoma who??!?!?!!? Jesus heard our prayers. BY HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED!!
I am so overwhelmed- I can't get the words out that I want to share. Kind of still processing and maybe a little bit of trying to wrap my mind over this. How amazing is our Healer!
My PET scan showed "no activity". The tumor in my chest is still there- eww- but the cancer cells have been destroyed. Doc used the analogy of a honey comb...honey is sucked out, but the comb is still there. EVENTUALLY my body will absorb that, but it's a big sucker.
Doc showed PET from December and last week- you can see the difference. I have some inflammation where the biopsy was done, but that should clear itself up as my healing continues. I can tell the difference myself. I was worried about that "lump" and had myself convinced that it was more lymphoma.....probably what I will do for the rest of my life...which is really annoying.
I will need to do 2 more rounds of chemo though. JUUUUUST to make sure. I am ok with that. I will have another PET in April after the last round and from there the plan of what comes next happens. My doc is very much a step at a time guy and didn't give me any idea of monitoring afterward...like every 3 months or 6 months PET?? He did talk about radiation consult again, but he said if the next PET looks like this one he would agree with no radiation neccessary.
So. How about that news? On a Friday nonetheless....a week before my birthday! It's a brand new year.
My friend, Stephanie, dropped by with the girls after school so I could tell them. Lina smiled and hugged. Lydia lifted my hat to see if my hair grew back and asked if my port was out. LOLOL! Oh honey. I told them 2 more medicine rounds to do yet, but (interupts Lyd, 5 years old mind you) "the lymphoma is gone". Yes, sweet girl...lymphoma who??!?!?!!? Jesus heard our prayers. BY HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED!!
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