Overwhelmingly Overwhelmed

It's been 3 weeks already.  So ding ding ding Round 5 is tomorrow.  Not going to lie.  I AM.  TIRED.  OF.  IT.  ALL.  I am tired of thinking about it all.  I am tired of appointments.  I am tired of making arrangements for girls.  I am just done. I am tired of being....brave.  But I am and I can do all things........BUT I still don't want to go tomorrow.

While I am still elated that treatment worked like textbook- I am also a wee bit overwhelmed.  As a dear friend said to me, "you had freaking lymphoma- you can be overwhelmed". 

BUT then I need to remember how God has completely taken care of me, the girls, and every single detail of how this has all worked out.  From friends being there from day 1, to dozens and dozens of cards, to Debbie being able to be here all day on chemo days (sidebar- we had a lovely breakfast together as normal friends on my birthday and it was fabulous!!), to friends taking girls, to meals brought in (and by some people we don't even know!  We have been blessed with over 40 meals and/or gift certificates for meals!!), to friends visiting just when I need them most, to memories that make me smile and laugh.  Every. little. detail.  I am blessed.

I also have a little guilt feeling going on.  This was so quick for me.  People battle for months and years with this crap.  Not neccessarily lymphoma, but treatment.  And I was told from day 1 that my treatment would be short and it would be gone.  I went into this with those expectations and praise God that so far that is all happening.  My prayer support continues and I can't express enough how much my faith has grown with "finding Jesus outside of church family".  I mean, I expect that my church family is praying for me.  It's the moms at school that have poured out their hearts, faith, and meals.....that has helped me to see and teach my girls that "Jesus is EVERYwhere" and that has been so so good.  FOR ALL OF US!

But why me.  Why was this "easy" for me?  Then again...WHY ME????   Now I will worry for the rest of my life over every little itch, ache, or bump I have.  WHY!!!  That's not...not....well, it's not fair.  And there.  I sound like my 8 year old daughter.  I am also not the only person to deal with this- um, hello My mother (who finishes her chemo this week!!!! and is doing amazing!! Next is radiation) and friend, Carmen (onto radiation now!) at the same time??  Just dumb.  The treatment room is PACKED and more and more people know someone who is battling this crap.  I don't get it.  We have come so far in treating though and for that I am thankful.  But enough already.  I hate cancer.

The word "survivor" is heavy.  I AM a survivor.  Then I think about it.   The alternative to being a survivor.  Being faced with your possible mortality weeks before a female turns 40 SUCKS!  : )  It's overwhelming. While hanging with Jesus isn't a bad idea....I have little girls that I want to see grow up.  I don't want them to not have a mommy here on Earth.  And please know that I don't think about this all day or every day...just typing it out and yes, I did think about all that.  Probably when oncologist said, "you will see your girls get married"- the reality of this nonsense hit me. 

So while I am good- I am overwhelmingly overwhelmed!