I had today allll planned out in my mind. I had the converstaions played out and everything......
OR how about this-
PA walks in to talk to me, "The home stretch, you are in the home stretch now".
"Yes, I am. Last cycle April 4, 5, and 6" and I jokingly said something about having port removed the week after. (I KNOW that isn't happening)
"Dr. Z hasn't talked about possibly cycle 7 & 8"??? says the PA.
"No. No he hasn't. It started at 4 and went to 6. But no mention of 7&8".
And the converstation continued like that. I didn't cry or become upset. There is also talk of "maintenence therapy for a YEAR" (which could be 1 med 1 day every 4 weeks)
Dr. Z came in and I began questioning him. He then said we will wait and see what repeat PET scan looks like next month. Fine. I asked him about if this is a possibility with "no activity"....a clean PET in February? He rattled off some statistics and research and mentioned how not having radiation....and blah blah blah blah. And finally, that nothing would be decided today. Then he mentioned how healthy I look, what a great color I had on, and I am doing great. So. I am taking that last sentence with me for a week of spring break playing.....and then doing some research and what not for myself.
Don't get me wrong- if 8 is what keeps me, oh alive, and not dealing with this crap ever again- I'll do it all tomorrow. Just was not expecting that today. At all.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
A Week
I am here. Just haven't had the words to write.
BUT it's been a week since treatment and I feel SO much better than I did up until yesterday.
I was sharing with a mom friend at school today- I know that the shot I get messes with my joints and for some reason for me, I feel it in my skin and my neck also. Well. It really freaks me out. I yawned the other night and my neck felt like it did in November and it scares me. Then I start poking around at my body and looking in mirror and convince myself that chemo didn't work and "it's back". Granted, I will live like that for the rest of my life now.....but I haaaaate living like that. That's not faith. That's not trust. It is fear. And well, fear sucks.
Trying to keep life as normal as possible and have been avoiding potty training Lila because she just doesn't "get it" Well, I go to the extreme and have a behavioral therapist come to the house and we discuss my plan for the day. She tells me she wouldn't do anything different- offers a few different ideas and was on her way. Monday was a disaster. I kept a pull up on over panties (which are just sooooooooo tiny, precious, and adorable) because she just kept peeing. Tuesday. I flooded her with juice and sweet tea and every :30-:45 we were in the bathroom. She would go just a little each time. But she was dry all day. Finally she realllly went. Woke up dry Wednesday and we had a very productive day....without a pull up. So proud of her. She is still such a peanut, but is really working hard at this. And funny thing- we haven't left the house and it's been so enjoyable for both of us. Hmmm. Perhaps we need to do that more often. Too much rushing around, going there and here.....I am getting it.
Tomorrow is the last day of school before spring break! Ahhh- I cannot wait. The girls cannot wait. Friday we are starting it off by taking the big girls to the Magic game. Bob, after 6 years of waiting, finally got the company's tickets! Lila will play with Tia and Tony for the night. It should be fun!! Monday- Thursday we will be out at Orange Lake with good friends. Cannot wait for that either. Monday is Bob's b-day and Rich is making a BBQ pork dinner. Thursday we will wake up, pack up, and head over to Busch Gardens for the day. Lina has been dying to get there.....and I told her if she made her AR goal we would go. Which is not a problem for the girl because she reads and reads and reads, but she hates those tests. And I can't blame her, but she needed to do them. And she did.
I go to the oncologist tomorrow just to touch base. I always like those appointments. I like hearing, "you're doing great" and I will ask him to tell me again that "it's all gone"....and I will be good for a few days.
BUT it's been a week since treatment and I feel SO much better than I did up until yesterday.
I was sharing with a mom friend at school today- I know that the shot I get messes with my joints and for some reason for me, I feel it in my skin and my neck also. Well. It really freaks me out. I yawned the other night and my neck felt like it did in November and it scares me. Then I start poking around at my body and looking in mirror and convince myself that chemo didn't work and "it's back". Granted, I will live like that for the rest of my life now.....but I haaaaate living like that. That's not faith. That's not trust. It is fear. And well, fear sucks.
Trying to keep life as normal as possible and have been avoiding potty training Lila because she just doesn't "get it" Well, I go to the extreme and have a behavioral therapist come to the house and we discuss my plan for the day. She tells me she wouldn't do anything different- offers a few different ideas and was on her way. Monday was a disaster. I kept a pull up on over panties (which are just sooooooooo tiny, precious, and adorable) because she just kept peeing. Tuesday. I flooded her with juice and sweet tea and every :30-:45 we were in the bathroom. She would go just a little each time. But she was dry all day. Finally she realllly went. Woke up dry Wednesday and we had a very productive day....without a pull up. So proud of her. She is still such a peanut, but is really working hard at this. And funny thing- we haven't left the house and it's been so enjoyable for both of us. Hmmm. Perhaps we need to do that more often. Too much rushing around, going there and here.....I am getting it.
Tomorrow is the last day of school before spring break! Ahhh- I cannot wait. The girls cannot wait. Friday we are starting it off by taking the big girls to the Magic game. Bob, after 6 years of waiting, finally got the company's tickets! Lila will play with Tia and Tony for the night. It should be fun!! Monday- Thursday we will be out at Orange Lake with good friends. Cannot wait for that either. Monday is Bob's b-day and Rich is making a BBQ pork dinner. Thursday we will wake up, pack up, and head over to Busch Gardens for the day. Lina has been dying to get there.....and I told her if she made her AR goal we would go. Which is not a problem for the girl because she reads and reads and reads, but she hates those tests. And I can't blame her, but she needed to do them. And she did.
I go to the oncologist tomorrow just to touch base. I always like those appointments. I like hearing, "you're doing great" and I will ask him to tell me again that "it's all gone"....and I will be good for a few days.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Overwhelmingly Overwhelmed
It's been 3 weeks already. So ding ding ding Round 5 is tomorrow. Not going to lie. I AM. TIRED. OF. IT. ALL. I am tired of thinking about it all. I am tired of appointments. I am tired of making arrangements for girls. I am just done. I am tired of being....brave. But I am and I can do all things........BUT I still don't want to go tomorrow.
While I am still elated that treatment worked like textbook- I am also a wee bit overwhelmed. As a dear friend said to me, "you had freaking lymphoma- you can be overwhelmed".
BUT then I need to remember how God has completely taken care of me, the girls, and every single detail of how this has all worked out. From friends being there from day 1, to dozens and dozens of cards, to Debbie being able to be here all day on chemo days (sidebar- we had a lovely breakfast together as normal friends on my birthday and it was fabulous!!), to friends taking girls, to meals brought in (and by some people we don't even know! We have been blessed with over 40 meals and/or gift certificates for meals!!), to friends visiting just when I need them most, to memories that make me smile and laugh. Every. little. detail. I am blessed.
I also have a little guilt feeling going on. This was so quick for me. People battle for months and years with this crap. Not neccessarily lymphoma, but treatment. And I was told from day 1 that my treatment would be short and it would be gone. I went into this with those expectations and praise God that so far that is all happening. My prayer support continues and I can't express enough how much my faith has grown with "finding Jesus outside of church family". I mean, I expect that my church family is praying for me. It's the moms at school that have poured out their hearts, faith, and meals.....that has helped me to see and teach my girls that "Jesus is EVERYwhere" and that has been so so good. FOR ALL OF US!
But why me. Why was this "easy" for me? Then again...WHY ME???? Now I will worry for the rest of my life over every little itch, ache, or bump I have. WHY!!! That's not...not....well, it's not fair. And there. I sound like my 8 year old daughter. I am also not the only person to deal with this- um, hello My mother (who finishes her chemo this week!!!! and is doing amazing!! Next is radiation) and friend, Carmen (onto radiation now!) at the same time?? Just dumb. The treatment room is PACKED and more and more people know someone who is battling this crap. I don't get it. We have come so far in treating though and for that I am thankful. But enough already. I hate cancer.
The word "survivor" is heavy. I AM a survivor. Then I think about it. The alternative to being a survivor. Being faced with your possible mortality weeks before a female turns 40 SUCKS! : ) It's overwhelming. While hanging with Jesus isn't a bad idea....I have little girls that I want to see grow up. I don't want them to not have a mommy here on Earth. And please know that I don't think about this all day or every day...just typing it out and yes, I did think about all that. Probably when oncologist said, "you will see your girls get married"- the reality of this nonsense hit me.
So while I am good- I am overwhelmingly overwhelmed!
While I am still elated that treatment worked like textbook- I am also a wee bit overwhelmed. As a dear friend said to me, "you had freaking lymphoma- you can be overwhelmed".
BUT then I need to remember how God has completely taken care of me, the girls, and every single detail of how this has all worked out. From friends being there from day 1, to dozens and dozens of cards, to Debbie being able to be here all day on chemo days (sidebar- we had a lovely breakfast together as normal friends on my birthday and it was fabulous!!), to friends taking girls, to meals brought in (and by some people we don't even know! We have been blessed with over 40 meals and/or gift certificates for meals!!), to friends visiting just when I need them most, to memories that make me smile and laugh. Every. little. detail. I am blessed.
I also have a little guilt feeling going on. This was so quick for me. People battle for months and years with this crap. Not neccessarily lymphoma, but treatment. And I was told from day 1 that my treatment would be short and it would be gone. I went into this with those expectations and praise God that so far that is all happening. My prayer support continues and I can't express enough how much my faith has grown with "finding Jesus outside of church family". I mean, I expect that my church family is praying for me. It's the moms at school that have poured out their hearts, faith, and meals.....that has helped me to see and teach my girls that "Jesus is EVERYwhere" and that has been so so good. FOR ALL OF US!
But why me. Why was this "easy" for me? Then again...WHY ME???? Now I will worry for the rest of my life over every little itch, ache, or bump I have. WHY!!! That's not...not....well, it's not fair. And there. I sound like my 8 year old daughter. I am also not the only person to deal with this- um, hello My mother (who finishes her chemo this week!!!! and is doing amazing!! Next is radiation) and friend, Carmen (onto radiation now!) at the same time?? Just dumb. The treatment room is PACKED and more and more people know someone who is battling this crap. I don't get it. We have come so far in treating though and for that I am thankful. But enough already. I hate cancer.
The word "survivor" is heavy. I AM a survivor. Then I think about it. The alternative to being a survivor. Being faced with your possible mortality weeks before a female turns 40 SUCKS! : ) It's overwhelming. While hanging with Jesus isn't a bad idea....I have little girls that I want to see grow up. I don't want them to not have a mommy here on Earth. And please know that I don't think about this all day or every day...just typing it out and yes, I did think about all that. Probably when oncologist said, "you will see your girls get married"- the reality of this nonsense hit me.
So while I am good- I am overwhelmingly overwhelmed!
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